dbztextsfromlastnight:
(717): Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
(via dbztextsfromlastnight)
(705): Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn’t fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn’t fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU’RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
(812): Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
(704): I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn’t stop thinking about how scary space is
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn’t stop thinking about how scary space is
Submitted by the amazing sexystrifebullshit, thank you Rose!
(646): HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
(916): Don’t bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Don’t bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
(816): dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
(210): I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it’s guna be an awkward breakfast.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it’s guna be an awkward breakfast.
(317): He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
(334): I can’t break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does. (1-334): Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn’t date female engineers.
I can’t break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn’t date female engineers.
(416): He’s like Medusa, you can’t look directly into his eyes or you’ll turn into a slut.
He’s like Medusa, you can’t look directly into his eyes or you’ll turn into a slut.
(517): I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can’t take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can’t take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
(978): He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo