He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
(623):
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they’re just too beautiful not to.
dbztextsfromlastnight:
(717): Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
(via dbztextsfromlastnight)
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
(705): Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn’t fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn’t fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU’RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
(812): Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
(704): I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn’t stop thinking about how scary space is
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn’t stop thinking about how scary space is
(646): HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
(916): Don’t bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Don’t bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation… i think they are next
(816): dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
